A Man's a Man, for all that*

Tuesday is Robert Burns' birthday, celebrated in Scotland and around the world with a Burns supper. In honor of the poet of Scotland, I thought it might be fun for all of you to join me on a trip down memory lane and talk about the food and drink of Scotland. Some of you may be thinking to yourselves "Haggis and Scotch, what else is there?" There is, in fact, much more.

But, since you mentioned it, let's start with the Haggis. Mr. Burns (Rabbie to his closest friends) wrote a whole Address to a Haggis, calling it the "chieftan of the sausage race." I don't know what he was smoking. Haggis is one of the foulest things I've ever eaten. Consisting of various ground-up organs of a sheep, mixed with oatmeal and then cooked in the sheep's stomach, it has the appearance of ground meat and the texture of gristle. It is tasteless and dry, and essentially feels like eating tiny bits of cardboard, mixed with mashed potatoes and another mashed root vegetable (usually parsnips or turnips). Not Scotland's finest culinary contribution.

Luckily they've more than made up for it in other areas, particularly the fattening snack food department. There's Piemakers, the delicious pastry shop selling everything from doughnuts to apple fritters to more complex and savory meat pies. It's also dirt cheap, a bonus for an impoverished student with no income. Then there's Cappadocia, the Turkish kebab shop that has the power to draw me and my drunken friends from miles away like moths to a lightbulb. Almost every night, no matter where we were, ended in chips and cheese from Cappadocia. I'm not quite sure what it was--the way the fries were perfectly crispy, doused in just the right amount of salt and vinegar, or the way they closed the container to let the mounds of shredded mozzarella cheese melt before devouring the fries. Perhaps it was the delayed gratification that made it worth the walk, the line, and the calories. I've tried to recreate chips and cheese at home since my semester in Scotland, and it's never worked.

I've breezed through the food because the real culinary stars of Scotland are the beverages--scotch whisky (no E, unless it's Irish whiskey) and beer. This is Belhaven, probably my favorite beer in the entire world. It is brewed at Scotland's oldest and largest independent brewery. It is perfection in liquid form. This picture doesn't do justice to the beauty of a well poured Belhaven. The head on top, similar to a Guiness, is less foamy and much more solid, almost like a layer of cream on top of the beer. Unlike a Guiness, however, this layer seeps down into the rest of the pint, infusing it with a nutty flavor and a smooth creamy texture to cut against the bitterness of the hops (it is not at all a hoppy beer, as a dark beer, but all beer contains a little bit from the hops, I think). It's as if you put a pat of butter on top of a risotto and then watched it melt in. Like I said, perfection.

We come now to the best thing the Scots have given the modern world--Scotch Whisky. Let's begin with a lesson on terminology. Whisky is the Scottish spelling of whiskey, which comes in a number of variations. All whiskies are distilled from fermented grain products (malt whisky, made from malted barley, is the most common Scotch whisky). Whiskies are made all over the world--America, Canada, Ireland, and Scotland. Scotch whisky is whisky distilled in Scotland (surprise surprise). Calling it Scotch will get you dirty looks and a dram of whatever's in the well. You don't want that.

What you want is to make friends with the bartender, and ask for recommendations. No two whiskies are alike. Some have a sweet fruity taste (usually from maturing in wine casks) while others have a supremely strong peat taste (from the barley spending extra time drying over a peat fire). Going to a whisky tasting will let you experience a number of different whiskies side by side, to figure out what it is you like. My personal favorite is the Glenmorangie Port Cask finish. Smooth and sweet, without too much peat (which some adore but I think tastes like antiseptic). If all you've ever tried was a whisky sour or a Jack and Coke, taste some good whiskies before giving up on the drink.

*A poem by Mr. Burns himself, celebrating ideals of egalitarianism and liberalism. Check out the words here.